Dear Mom and Dad

Dear Mom and Dad,

I bet you think you know me pretty well. You know my favorite foods, colors, and hobbies. You know my moods, mannerisms, and weaknesses. You even know what makes me overflow with excitement and what makes me so angry I could explode. Only you have seen me at my best and my worst. but what you don't know is how much I love you, because I've never let you know. Why?, I'm not sure. Maybe I was too shy, or too worried you would shun my sappy emotions; maybe I was just scared. that's not important now. You-- Dad And Mom--are important now. and so I think the greatest gift I can give both of you at this point, a time when we have few years left together, is my love and sincerest thanks for all you've done for me because you care.
thank you for providing for me, caring for me, teaching me, and most important, loving me. you have done so many things  that touch me deeply, and I hope this letter will give you a glimpse into the boundless ocean that is my love for you.

LAST for Mr. LJ

It's been almost four months since the day, Mr. LJ and I broke up. There's a realization that keeps on bugging me. I almost understand why he leaves me. Sometimes I'm making my own reason just to help myself, he didn't tell me the real reason anyway.

SO here's the reasons I've made why he decided to leave me;
1. I am becoming too hard to please
2. I am demanding so much of his time
3. Maybe he felt trapped and pressured.

Or 4. Maybe he thinks--We have our whole lives before us. we shouldn't be tied down to one person. we should be out there having fun!
because my first impression to him was, happy-go-lucky guy, all he want is to have fun.

while making this blog, I am suddenly exhausted, and I know what I have to do; accept that it's over and start getting over him. I don't need his excuses, either, or even his explanations. because sometimes, people just stop wanting to be with you. Plain and simple. It happens. and it's always best to just leave it at that. it's always best to just let it all go.

When Mr. LJ and I were starting to get to know each other, he played the worst mind games with me. He was an expert at dishing enough affection for me to think that he loved me, but never enough for me to be sure.
Mr. LJ and I may have been perfect for each other. But that was way back then-- the circumstances have changed. At this moment, we are no longer perfect for each other.

Things rarely happen exactly when you expect them to. like moving on, and letting go.
I know I am on my way to a place where he can no longer hurt me, a place where I will be strong and smart enough not just to stand up for myself, but to stand by myself as well.
I know I will forgive him--and myself--someday.

Because every other person in the world goes through this. PAIN, after all, is a universal emotion. but it's what you choose to do with it, and the person you choose to become after the heartbreak, that defines you and decides whether or not you'll be fine.
And I may not have a wide array of positive character traits going for me, but I want to be the kind of person who chooses to look on the bright side and chooses to make things right. There are books to read, songs to listen to, places to see, lessons to learn, stories to write, people to meet. I have my family and friends, and they will help me get through this.

*this is my last blog about Mr. LJ*

What really matters..

I am eighteen years young. I have completed fourteen years of school. I am only eighteen years young and yet I have seen and experienced so much. So much, that it makes my future seem boring.


I have broken hearts. I have lied, cheated and stolen. I have skipped church. I have made people cry. I have made mistakes. I have had my heart broken. I have witnessed close friends come out. I have had fights with my best friend for pretty reason. I have had panic attacks and social anxiety and been the victim of mild depression. I have used the words "I hate you" too many times. I have witnessed the good and bad in just eighteen years. I regret countless things I have said and done.

But this is not what matters...

what matters is the good. what matters are times I have listened, the times I have offered a shoulder to a sobbing friend. what matters is the difference I made in someone's life. whether helping with homework, sharing a smile, or calling just to say hello. what matters is the hard work I do and the recognition I receive.
what matters are the memories I have made, the laughs I have shared, and the bonds I have kept.
what matters is the exemplary mature woman I become by learning from my mistakes when I was still an ignorant , little girl in the past sixteen years of my life. All the matters are the good.

Unfamiliar

I think my mom and I have absolutely nothing in common. people always say that becoming like your parents is inevitable. we are total opposites. and for the past few years most conversations have ended with me screaming and then locking myself in my room. because I think she doesn't understand me at all.
As I get older, I have thought a lot about my relationship with my mother. It's strange- she's the person whose face I saw first when I was born, someone I have lived with my whole life. You would think I would know her better than anyone, but I started to realize that I don't know her at all. Of course, I know her as my mom but I don't know her as a person. I probably know my friends better than I know my own mother.
This realization has given me a heavy, indescribable sadness. I feel like I should know her better and I want to but how?

MY STORY(love is not enough)

 

Last July 16, 2010, my boyfriend in three years broke up with me with a nonsense reason. just because he doesn't want me to go to our fashion show in my friend's debut. I was very mad at him at that time.

In a few days, I became close to this new guy. let's call him Mr. LJ. I was so weak that time, his lips were so sweet, his words were very convincing. then I took the risk. I really left my past and try it without any assurance because that time I thought I would be happier, that this one is better. and yes I was right. my relationship with him was so okay. I'm very happy. my friends and family like him a lot. he is kind and easy to get along with. I was so madly inlove with him at that time. 

and then one night, he told me that he loves me but he doesn't deserve my love that somebody deserves it more.

those sweet days are gone. 

he left me.

I was really hurt.

even though that was months ago, I STILL LOVE HIM.

sometimes I wanna grab him and hug him and tell him to go back with me, I want him to tell me that he is miserable without me because I am.

but now, it's impossible because after that day, we have no good conversation yet. we're not even friends!

the most painful thing is; There's nothing I can do about this feeling. this love is hopeless!

this is the reason why I don't want to try it anymore.

I'm afraid to be left again, to be hurt again. 

because now,

I'm trying to move on

I'm trying to be so happy again.

though I know, sometimes, it's okay not to be okay the bad thing is to hurt yourself.

and I guess I was wrong to my perception that this one is better because now I can say that,

it's really better to choose the one who loves you than the one whom you love especially when you're a girl 

because,

LOVE IS NOT ALWAYS ENOUGH.

How can you deal with it?

Is it true that it is awkward to face your recent ex? when you see him/her in the party, how can you handle it? is it easy for you to say hi or hello? is it really okay to the both of you to be okay? especially when you missed the chance to tell him/her to stay? when you regret the day he/she broke up with you. how you wish you could bring  it back and change everything that happened in that day, so now you can say that you are still happy together. how can you deal with the pain that keeps following you around?

sometimes, life sets certain deadlines for you to do or say something when the moment has already passed there's not much you can do about it. you don't want to be friends with him/her because you think you can still  be something in the near future. its like you're not expecting but you're hoping.

but don't fool yourself if your ex really don't want to try it again then fine.
let's pick up the pieces and start again, maybe sooner or later there's another world for you and it all just really for you. you don't deal with the pain that keeps following you around- you just let go of it and maybe when you do, you can learn your lesson and take your leaps of faith sooner.
remember: GOODBYE is not the end of the world, it's just the start of something new.

My Alma Mater

Happy ending is what everyone wished and dreamed of. everyone wants to a fairy tale ending but this is merely found on books and films. human life is always springed with complications and struggles which couldn't be solved by magical wand of a fairy God mother or a Genie in the bottle. What we need is hard work, prayer to our Almighty Creator and the continuing support of our love ones.

 I gratefully thank all the people who touched my heart in my four and fruitful years of study in School of the Madeleine. my fountain of knowledge and builders of self-esteem, my teachers, mentors who restlessly guide and support me since I first step foot in this campus. No doubt they willingly shared ample time and effort to ensure that I become better individual.


Studying here is not only solving X and Y variables. Not figuring SOH, CAH and TOA, or knowing correct grammatical structures and proper pronunciation but they also taught me to become better person, better student and most of all to become a better child to my parents.

I know it is too early to say that I would have a happy ending  that I am wishing for but because of the values and substantial lessons that the people of this school have taught me specially my mentors, the never ending encouragement of my friends and colleagues, the unfailing love and support of my parents, the unconditional love and guidance of God, I believe that I already have a strong foundation to reach the goal that God had designed for me.

farewell message

This is my farewell message when I won the tittle Lakambini ng udyong2009(ms. Orion)...

 _A year has passed when I was crowned Lakambini ng Udyong 2009, and tonight I am filled with mixed emotions. I am a bit sad knowing I have to bequeath this title and the prestige that goes with it. to the winner of this year's competition, because it feels like, although  I had the honor, it was just a small bite out of glory and now it is time to pass it over to this year's winner. but then again, I am sincerely happy because winning the title Lakambini ng Udyong gave me the realization that I could achieve anything in life that I aspire for. it gave me the chance to meet other candidates who eventually became friends. yes, it was a competition, but as an only daughter, it gave me the opportunity to socialize and interact with other girls and build each one a sisterhood, and to enhance the hidden talents that were in me all along. it is such an unforgettable learning experience that has boosted my confidence and morale, and it will forever stay with me as I face new challenges in my life. I am armed with grace, pride and honor for  having the title Lakambini ng udyong2009. so tonight, I give thanks to God most specially, for the success and guidance, to my parents, family and friends for all the love and support they gave me during the grueling rehearsals and pageant proper, to the hosts, organizers, and sponsors who made it possible and worthwhile, and to my co-candidates  for the good memories we all shared and will forever treasure. to my successor, Lakambini ng Udyong2010, to you, I bequeath not only the crown and title, but the pride and honor as well, to represent  and promote the beauty of our beloved town of Orion. to the new Lakambini, goodluck and godspeed! farewell and a pleasant good evening to each and everyone of you.