Dear Mom and Dad

Dear Mom and Dad,

I bet you think you know me pretty well. You know my favorite foods, colors, and hobbies. You know my moods, mannerisms, and weaknesses. You even know what makes me overflow with excitement and what makes me so angry I could explode. Only you have seen me at my best and my worst. but what you don't know is how much I love you, because I've never let you know. Why?, I'm not sure. Maybe I was too shy, or too worried you would shun my sappy emotions; maybe I was just scared. that's not important now. You-- Dad And Mom--are important now. and so I think the greatest gift I can give both of you at this point, a time when we have few years left together, is my love and sincerest thanks for all you've done for me because you care.
thank you for providing for me, caring for me, teaching me, and most important, loving me. you have done so many things  that touch me deeply, and I hope this letter will give you a glimpse into the boundless ocean that is my love for you.

LAST for Mr. LJ

It's been almost four months since the day, Mr. LJ and I broke up. There's a realization that keeps on bugging me. I almost understand why he leaves me. Sometimes I'm making my own reason just to help myself, he didn't tell me the real reason anyway.

SO here's the reasons I've made why he decided to leave me;
1. I am becoming too hard to please
2. I am demanding so much of his time
3. Maybe he felt trapped and pressured.

Or 4. Maybe he thinks--We have our whole lives before us. we shouldn't be tied down to one person. we should be out there having fun!
because my first impression to him was, happy-go-lucky guy, all he want is to have fun.

while making this blog, I am suddenly exhausted, and I know what I have to do; accept that it's over and start getting over him. I don't need his excuses, either, or even his explanations. because sometimes, people just stop wanting to be with you. Plain and simple. It happens. and it's always best to just leave it at that. it's always best to just let it all go.

When Mr. LJ and I were starting to get to know each other, he played the worst mind games with me. He was an expert at dishing enough affection for me to think that he loved me, but never enough for me to be sure.
Mr. LJ and I may have been perfect for each other. But that was way back then-- the circumstances have changed. At this moment, we are no longer perfect for each other.

Things rarely happen exactly when you expect them to. like moving on, and letting go.
I know I am on my way to a place where he can no longer hurt me, a place where I will be strong and smart enough not just to stand up for myself, but to stand by myself as well.
I know I will forgive him--and myself--someday.

Because every other person in the world goes through this. PAIN, after all, is a universal emotion. but it's what you choose to do with it, and the person you choose to become after the heartbreak, that defines you and decides whether or not you'll be fine.
And I may not have a wide array of positive character traits going for me, but I want to be the kind of person who chooses to look on the bright side and chooses to make things right. There are books to read, songs to listen to, places to see, lessons to learn, stories to write, people to meet. I have my family and friends, and they will help me get through this.

*this is my last blog about Mr. LJ*

What really matters..

I am eighteen years young. I have completed fourteen years of school. I am only eighteen years young and yet I have seen and experienced so much. So much, that it makes my future seem boring.


I have broken hearts. I have lied, cheated and stolen. I have skipped church. I have made people cry. I have made mistakes. I have had my heart broken. I have witnessed close friends come out. I have had fights with my best friend for pretty reason. I have had panic attacks and social anxiety and been the victim of mild depression. I have used the words "I hate you" too many times. I have witnessed the good and bad in just eighteen years. I regret countless things I have said and done.

But this is not what matters...

what matters is the good. what matters are times I have listened, the times I have offered a shoulder to a sobbing friend. what matters is the difference I made in someone's life. whether helping with homework, sharing a smile, or calling just to say hello. what matters is the hard work I do and the recognition I receive.
what matters are the memories I have made, the laughs I have shared, and the bonds I have kept.
what matters is the exemplary mature woman I become by learning from my mistakes when I was still an ignorant , little girl in the past sixteen years of my life. All the matters are the good.

Unfamiliar

I think my mom and I have absolutely nothing in common. people always say that becoming like your parents is inevitable. we are total opposites. and for the past few years most conversations have ended with me screaming and then locking myself in my room. because I think she doesn't understand me at all.
As I get older, I have thought a lot about my relationship with my mother. It's strange- she's the person whose face I saw first when I was born, someone I have lived with my whole life. You would think I would know her better than anyone, but I started to realize that I don't know her at all. Of course, I know her as my mom but I don't know her as a person. I probably know my friends better than I know my own mother.
This realization has given me a heavy, indescribable sadness. I feel like I should know her better and I want to but how?